Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I was sitting right beside you. You looked so pitiful, but I wanted you all the same. I wanted to be apart of you and rescue that heart. That heart that is so beautiful, but so lost at the same time. Why must I feel this? You were looking at me, telling me how selfish you are, but apologizing at the same time. How long will it take? How long must I wait to see the light in your eyes. It’s all I desire. Still, I love you just the same. I love you for who you are and who I know you can be. I love when your hands are shaking and they are running through your hair because you’re nervous. I love you because I know you are finding yourself. Even when it hurts to see you so far away. I love to see you happy. Even though the selfish part of me wishes I could be the one to make you happy, or even just be with you while you are happy. I just want you to know who you are in heaven. I want to see you do great things, and I want to be right beside you while you are doing them, holding your hand. I want you to have a strong realtionship with the creator of the universe, and I want to be the one you share it with. I want to spend the days with you talking about life, and at night I want to be the one you hold as you fall asleep.

I want to see revelation in your eyes. I want you to come out of exile and become the King I know you are.

I want to hear about your dreams, because you are apart of mine.

I want you to know how beautiful your soul is. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

But most of all, I want you to know how much you are loved. I want you to feel it, dwell in it, breathe it in. I want you to know how much you mean to the Father.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

No wonder Jesus wept, I wanted to cry too.

"Jesus did not just come to prepare us to die but to teach us how to live."
-Shane Clairborne

I recently spent a week at my grandpas independent baptist church in Texas. I've grown up in the church atmosphere, my dad being a music pastor and my grandpa being a pastor. When I was younger we would take family road trips to Texas to visit the family and without fail, the entire week would always revolve around going to church and hearing my grandpa preach. This is something I have always known and throughout my entire life the  church routine has never changed. In fact I could probably act the whole thing out from the first choir hymn to the last verse of "just as I am..." I know every bit of it and no matter what the topic of the sermon is it will always end with the bowing your head and raising your hands. My mom likes to call it "baptist aerobics". "Raise your hand if you're not sure you have ever been saved... Raise your hand (and I'm not joking) if you feel convicted to get more involved in church or you want to join the choir." And it always ends with "If you were to die right now and you are not sure you would go to heaven, please come down to this old fashioned altar."
Now don't get me wrong. It's EXTREMELY important to give your life to Christ, to live for Him. Its just that when I leave these services I always feel scared and a little depressed. It always makes me feel like God is so far away and all I want to feel are His arms wrapped around me. And that is my problem with these kinds of churches. They rarely ever share the love of God. It makes me feel condemned instead of forgiven. They show us how to die securely instead of teaching us how to live abundantly. Never telling us that we are God's children, that He loves us more than we could ever imagine. Instead they get into the habit of preaching the same sermon over and over again. Quoting the same lines. We are supposed to be the hands and feet of Christ and yet most of us know nothing about Him.
When I go to church I want to hear about Jesus, I want to hear about this great man who gave His life for me. Instead all I hear is how to escape hell-fire. 
I was reading a book awhile ago that asked the question, "If there was no heaven and no hell would you still follow Jesus? would you follow Him for the life, joy, and fulfillment He gives you right now?"
We should seek this kind of relationship with Him. After all, Jesus did come so that we could have life and have it more abundantly.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Riding on the back of a Sea Monster

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:14-16

Sometimes I'm afraid to let my light shine because Im afraid of it getting blown out. So instead of letting it shine I hide it away. But what good can that do. That doesn't benefit anyone but myself. I just fear the freedom that comes with shining.
Freedom is an amazing thing, but it can also be disguised as a scary thing. I don't know why but sometimes we find comfort in the chains that bind us. We get used to them. When the chains are unbound we get fearful of them coming back. But they won't, they can't. They have already been paid for.

I saw a funny picture of fear yesterday. My little sister Journey was playing in the pool, and me and my mom were sitting on the side watching her. She has this big blow-up sea monster and she wanted to ride on it. She couldn't get on it herself so we pulled it to the side and I held it in place while my mom lifted her on top of it. When she finally got on it she burst out in tears because she was so afraid she was gonna fall off. Of course me and my mom both knew she was completely secure. Despite the fact that she had a built in life jacket in her bathing suit, and despite the fact that we were both there making sure she wasn't gonna fall, she was still terrified. So she just sat there and sobbed for about five minutes. Until she finally gave into her fear and climbed down.
I was thinking about it and I started to wonder if thats how God sees us. His children. No matter how much He confirms His love for us and shows us His protection, we still get scared and cry like babies. Until finally, we give into our fears and miss out on something that could have been really great. Even though He was holding us the whole time, telling us we were going to fine. We couldn't just trust Him and enjoy ourselves. We couldn't live in His freedom.

Friday, July 10, 2009

because He loves us.

Buried feelings are no good. Sometimes when we are hurt about something, we bury it deep inside ourselves, forcing ourselves to forget the thing that caused us pain. Sooner or later we forget all together where the pain came from. This is all no good because when you push it away it manifests itself deep inside you to the point where it can literally make you sick. I once heard someone say that there is no pain too great, no wound too wide, and no cut too deep that perfect love and truth can't heal. This simple fact can change the way you see everything. God's perfect love and truth can literally reach inside of you and calm the storm that is raging in your heart. Our Father's perfect love can save you from yourself, can set you free from yourself. This is the greatest freedom I've ever known. 

I have to admit, it used to be hard for me to accept God for who He truly is. I couldn't understand this great being who could love me so much, even when i had a hard time loving myself. I had trouble seeing Him as this great Father figure who wanted a relationship with me, who took great delight in me, who wanted me to trust Him and not hesitate to ask him for things. I couldn't understand that someone would actually want to bestow blessings upon me. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

I had always heard about the love of God, about how it changes us. Someone can tell you they love you over and over again, but you can never really experience their love until you accept it. And that is the same with God. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

This is a really amazing video. I encourage everyone to watch it and experience God's true love for you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Being Set Free by the Truth

There is nothing more refreshing than hearing God's amazing truth. Truth you might not have heard before. Sometimes hearing and believing lies can be painful, but it only makes the truth that much more refreshing, that much more sweet. When you encounter the love and truth of God it can wipe away all of your pain. God's truth is the greatest thing you can ever learn. The truth will set you free. And it will, if you only allow it to.

Blogging isn't something I normally do, but I've decided to give it a shot. I don't know if anyone is even reading this, but if you are then please leave me a  comment. I love getting feedback. Even if its just to say hi. I like to know if people are reading. I want to start writing in here as much as I can. They say that writing things down helps you heal. So hopefully through writing this I can heal my heart. And if anyone else is reading this, maybe this will help heal yours too.

So please, if you are reading this, let me know. 

Much love,

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Looking Through the Eyes of a Child.

Its weird, I've always known about him but this past week I've seen more Michael Jackson coverage than I ever have before. I didn't realize how he had influenced me. Not until i was sitting there, watching CNN, jaw dropped because I couldn't believe what i was seeing, as the pictures of him flooded the screen and the newscaster carefully chose which music video he was going to show next, i felt tears streaming down my face. Whether we admit it or not, this man influenced ALL of us.

When I watch footage of him and this amazing life he lived I can't help but be in awe. This man literally gave his life to entertain us. Every song we sing, every dance step, every clothing style, was all inspired by something he did. He was probably one of the most talented human beings to ever walk this earth. He was so soft spoken, so child like. I think the fact he called his home Neverland speaks volumes on his character. Wanting to be a child forever, building an amusement park in his backyard so people could come enjoy being in Neverland with him. and then I think of all of the trials he went through, despite all the good he did, people couldn't leave him alone. Accusing him, mocking him, so much negativity forced upon such a tender heart. He probably never felt like a real human being. I understand now why he covered his children's faces when they went out in public. He was guarding their hearts and their minds from the same kind of ridicule he received. 

When we finally meet our maker we will be made perfect. I can't help thinking about him in heaven, being made perfect. Done with all of the flaws he thought he had. Finally being seen the way our great heavenly father sees him. He may not have found much peace here on earth, but I know he will find peace in heaven, resting in His creator, who loves him perfectly.

Today I was watching his memorial service. His family was up on stage talking about him, talking to him. Finally giving us a picture of what he was like being just another member of a family. And then his beautiful daughter takes the mic, and while choking back sobs she confesses to the entire world that her daddy was the best father you could ever imagine, and that she loved him so much. Her words were so heartfelt and pure. Children only speak the truth. I couldn't help thinking that this was probably the greatest thing that was ever said about him. Despite all the pompous judgment he had on his life from people who didn't even know him. The fact that his child had enough courage to stand in front of millions and tell them the truth about him. Perhaps this one statement said in truth and pure heartfelt love can wipe away all the hurt and judgment that was put upon him.

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.  Matthew 18: 2-5